Day 28

I started this endeavor exactly four weeks ago tomorrow, and I have just reached the 15 lb milestone. I still have a lot to lose, but as of now, I am 17% done with this life changing project. It has been really rough because one of the set backs of this diet is that it normalizes everything in your body. However, to get there, you have to literally experience a living hell for a while. I have been having to suppress random food craving for crap food that I know I don't really want to eat, either because it will either make me violently ill, or the fact that I know that this food I'm craving won't actually taste as good as it smells or looks.  Added on to that I have been experiencing massive mood swings that have been making me cry at the most random and inopportune moments, and I hate crying in front of people I work with. Last week there were days that I felt like the most pathetic, whiney, inconsolably depressed individual on the planet, then the next day I would be having a great day because I had a fantastic feta salad. I know that was not normal, but what really is normal? And honestly, it does make sense that the black sheep has to go a bit psychotic  in many ways to magically become a pretty white sheep. It didn't help that I feel like I have lost a very important piece of jewelry to me, and I have just been hoping and praying that it eventually shows up. God works mysteriously like that. I am definitely glad I am not constantly hyperventilating and freaking out anymore, because that definitely didn't help my stress levels.

Anyway, I wanted to briefly talk about another struggle I have been having. First of all, this diet has become my life. I live and breathe it, because the only way I will succeed this time is if I grab the proverbial bull by the horns and hold on tight, because this is not an easy feat. I have to talk about it, even if it makes people who are overweight in my department in school. I have been overweight my entire life, and I know how annoying it was to see some of my friends lose their weight and become the people they have always been on the inside...on the outside. I envied their passion and perseverance and ability to change themselves for the better. It has always sucked when going into a shop filled to the brim with exquisite clothing, only to have to dig to the bottom of the neatly folded pile to locate the Large or X-Large, or the size 14 jeans that none of my favorite stores carry. I want to be able to go to New York City and be able to be energized the whole day and do everything, instead of getting out of breath coming up the stairs form the subway. Because I have so much weight to lose, this diet has become who I am until I have trained my mind body and soul not to be an emotional, over eating, depressed masochist of sorts. Because I am having to revive my body and revive it after essentially killing it slowly but surely from the inside out for the past 20 years. That is why, anyone who is overweight and feels uncomfortable about themselves when they hear me talking about it, maybe you should re-evaluate your life and wonder if following in my footsteps would make you a happier person. What I wouldn't do for a "Rami Buddy" who knows what i'm going through, and who I could talk to all the time and I wouldn't be considered being a whiner.

I read a quote that really spoke to me from an unknown author: "If there was no change, there'd be no butterflies." This really made me think about this project of mine as a metamorphosis from me being a slimy, prickly caterpillar  to a beautiful butterfly. It takes patience, strength and a great struggle to get to the end result, but in the end it is truly worth every difficulty. So, once I lose all my weight, I plan to (And this is not negotiable) change my haircut - but still keep the length, color my hair (rich chocolate brown), get a spray tan (Honey) - Tanning beds cook your organs - and completely change my wardrobe. I plan to donate every piece of clothing and underwear I own and replace it with my favorite things. That is the pot of gold and diamonds at the end of my metaphorical rainbow.

As an ending note, any words of wisdom or support will be greatly appreciated :)