It has been almost a week since my last post, so I figured that I should keep you updated but make it short and sweet. I have been under quite alot of stress lately with the theatre department in school and it is making me kind of crazy. Some days I feel like a bit of a basket case and trying to just keep all my ducks in a row. Surprisingly, I have been having different reactions to the stress than I usually did. When I am stressed out I start binge eating and just stuff my face with everything in sight, especially sugary and starchy snacks, trying to fill the metaphorical "void" caused by the stress, because it feels like i'm being sucked up by a black hole. However, I have completely lost my appetite and i've found myself having to basically stuff my face with the food i'm supposed to eat on my diet. Some people may think its a good thing, but my body has always behaved counter intuitively in a manner of speaking, as I have to feed it properly to lose weight. Over eating makes me gain weighit, and starving myself makes me gain weight, so I just have to find the happy medium between those two evils. Sometimes I find it difficult with my schedule to eat when I am supposed to, but for the most part it has worked out quite nicely, hoping that I don't forget to eat all together.
I have been having issues sleeping and I just feel really tired during the day, but an insomniac during the night. It really is bizarre. I feel like a spinning top, that keeps spinning with a slight wobble, and I just hope and pray that I don't topple over, almost Like a house of cards, One blow from caving in. I think that This has to definitely be the first big hump to get over and I just have to stay strong. I always think that I want something that is bad for me, but in reality, i don't, because my taste buds have completely changed and my sense of smell, and even though the foods I used to love still look good, I don't think they will actually taste good. I just wish I had a support group who actually understood what I am going through. I feel like a pariah sometimes, because I live off campus away from the drama and I do not ever eat in the cafeteria, which is a glorified watering hole and a social hub of the school. Also in my chosen path, I naturally am separated from the people who I work with anyway. This diet is unique and people who haven't done it do not understand what it takes to make it work. Next week is valentines Day, one of the cutest holidays there is because it is one day a year where you don't have to apologize to be hopelessly romantic and all mushy with the person you love. I used to love it when I was younger because teachers at schools made you give a card or candy to everyone in the class, so you always felt loved. However, now it just seems like a cruel joke with evil laughter mocking me at the fact that I am perpetually single. My only wish is that once my weight is gone, people will see me for who I am, and I will never have to spend another valentines day alone. I know people think it is just a commercial holiday invented by Hallmark, but it has actually been celebrated for centuries.
Anyway, that is enough for now.
Also, would someone please comment on my blog so I know that there is someone actually listening...
Hey Yaya, A lovely blog but very difficult to read with that busy red background. Remember, I'm just an old man with rheumy eyes and do so want you to succeed at this huge project. Like I always tell my students "It's easy to quit when the going gets rough, but nothing worthwhile was ever accomplished by quitting." And I know you are not a quitter - you are smart and dedicated and have never given up on a goal that you've really set your mind on achieving. We are all rooting for you and know that this will turn out to be the best thing you've ever done for yourself. Keep your focus on the desired result - a trim bod with a great new wardrobe.
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