Day 28

I started this endeavor exactly four weeks ago tomorrow, and I have just reached the 15 lb milestone. I still have a lot to lose, but as of now, I am 17% done with this life changing project. It has been really rough because one of the set backs of this diet is that it normalizes everything in your body. However, to get there, you have to literally experience a living hell for a while. I have been having to suppress random food craving for crap food that I know I don't really want to eat, either because it will either make me violently ill, or the fact that I know that this food I'm craving won't actually taste as good as it smells or looks.  Added on to that I have been experiencing massive mood swings that have been making me cry at the most random and inopportune moments, and I hate crying in front of people I work with. Last week there were days that I felt like the most pathetic, whiney, inconsolably depressed individual on the planet, then the next day I would be having a great day because I had a fantastic feta salad. I know that was not normal, but what really is normal? And honestly, it does make sense that the black sheep has to go a bit psychotic  in many ways to magically become a pretty white sheep. It didn't help that I feel like I have lost a very important piece of jewelry to me, and I have just been hoping and praying that it eventually shows up. God works mysteriously like that. I am definitely glad I am not constantly hyperventilating and freaking out anymore, because that definitely didn't help my stress levels.

Anyway, I wanted to briefly talk about another struggle I have been having. First of all, this diet has become my life. I live and breathe it, because the only way I will succeed this time is if I grab the proverbial bull by the horns and hold on tight, because this is not an easy feat. I have to talk about it, even if it makes people who are overweight in my department in school. I have been overweight my entire life, and I know how annoying it was to see some of my friends lose their weight and become the people they have always been on the inside...on the outside. I envied their passion and perseverance and ability to change themselves for the better. It has always sucked when going into a shop filled to the brim with exquisite clothing, only to have to dig to the bottom of the neatly folded pile to locate the Large or X-Large, or the size 14 jeans that none of my favorite stores carry. I want to be able to go to New York City and be able to be energized the whole day and do everything, instead of getting out of breath coming up the stairs form the subway. Because I have so much weight to lose, this diet has become who I am until I have trained my mind body and soul not to be an emotional, over eating, depressed masochist of sorts. Because I am having to revive my body and revive it after essentially killing it slowly but surely from the inside out for the past 20 years. That is why, anyone who is overweight and feels uncomfortable about themselves when they hear me talking about it, maybe you should re-evaluate your life and wonder if following in my footsteps would make you a happier person. What I wouldn't do for a "Rami Buddy" who knows what i'm going through, and who I could talk to all the time and I wouldn't be considered being a whiner.

I read a quote that really spoke to me from an unknown author: "If there was no change, there'd be no butterflies." This really made me think about this project of mine as a metamorphosis from me being a slimy, prickly caterpillar  to a beautiful butterfly. It takes patience, strength and a great struggle to get to the end result, but in the end it is truly worth every difficulty. So, once I lose all my weight, I plan to (And this is not negotiable) change my haircut - but still keep the length, color my hair (rich chocolate brown), get a spray tan (Honey) - Tanning beds cook your organs - and completely change my wardrobe. I plan to donate every piece of clothing and underwear I own and replace it with my favorite things. That is the pot of gold and diamonds at the end of my metaphorical rainbow.

As an ending note, any words of wisdom or support will be greatly appreciated :)

Day 21

It has been almost a week since my last post, so I figured that I should keep you updated but make it short and sweet. I have been under quite alot of stress lately with the theatre department in school and it is making me kind of crazy. Some days I feel like a bit of a basket case and trying to just keep all my ducks in a row. Surprisingly, I have been having different reactions to the stress than I usually did. When I am stressed out I start binge eating and just stuff my face with everything in sight, especially sugary and  starchy snacks, trying to fill the metaphorical "void" caused by the stress, because it feels like i'm being sucked up by a black hole. However, I have completely lost my appetite and i've found myself having to basically stuff my face with the food i'm supposed to eat on my diet. Some people may think its a good thing, but my body has always behaved counter intuitively in a manner of speaking, as I have to feed it properly to lose weight. Over eating makes me gain weighit, and starving myself makes me gain weight, so I just have to find the happy medium between those two evils. Sometimes I find it difficult with my schedule to eat when I am supposed to, but for the most part it has worked out quite nicely, hoping that I don't forget to eat all together.

I have been having issues sleeping and I just feel really tired during the day, but an insomniac during the night. It really is bizarre. I feel like a spinning top, that keeps spinning with a slight wobble, and I just hope and pray that I don't topple over, almost Like a house of cards, One blow from caving in. I think that This has to definitely be the first big hump to get over and I just have to stay strong. I always think that I want something that is bad for me, but in reality, i don't, because my taste buds have completely changed and my sense of smell, and even though the foods I used to love still look good, I don't think they will actually taste good. I just wish I had a support group who actually understood what I am going through. I feel like a pariah sometimes, because I live off campus away from the drama and I do not ever eat in the cafeteria, which is a glorified watering hole and a social hub of the school. Also in my chosen path, I naturally am separated from the people who I work with anyway. This diet is unique and people who haven't done it do not understand what it takes to make it work. Next week is valentines Day, one of the cutest holidays there is because it is one day a year where you don't have to apologize to be hopelessly romantic and all mushy with the person you love. I used to love it when I was younger because teachers at schools made you give a card or candy to everyone in the class, so you always felt loved. However, now it just seems like a cruel joke with evil laughter mocking me at the fact that I am perpetually single. My only wish is that once my weight is gone, people will see me for who I am, and I will never have to spend another valentines day alone. I know people think it is just a commercial holiday invented by Hallmark, but it has actually been celebrated for centuries. 

Anyway, that is enough for now. 

Also, would someone please comment on my blog so I know that there is someone  actually listening...

Day 15

Hi Bloggers.
I figured it was time for another post on this little blog of mine. As an update to those who actually care, yesterday I reached the 10 lb mark, so I only have 65 Pounds to go. YAY (Not going to think about it - that number is too daunting)! Based on the math, I should be at my goal by May 5th, with is basically 3 months away. It has been very hard at some times, but I just Keep remembering how I do not want to lie on the beach in florida over the summer and have a lumpy ass and bulges over my bathing suit. I decided that eating delicious crap food isn't so delicious and that I definitely do not need to have alcohol to have fun.

Last night was college night at this amazing club in downtown Greensboro College called Inferno. I was not planning on going because I was having just one of those shitty days where all I wanted to do was snuggle up in bed with a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice-cream and watch The Notebook. However, Once I had has a great nap on the couch and saw how many people were going, I realized that going would be the best thing I could do for myself. So I got changed about 5 times until I found a cute outfit - rule of thumb, even though they're cute, 2 inch heel boots are not the most sensible shoes to wear when you are going to dance for 3 hours at a club (I've got a blister to prove it). Anyway, I danced all night with this really great guy, who happens to be gorgeous, who protected me from all the skeezy men who were hitting on me and trying to grind up against me during "Black and Yellow". To any who are curious, Dancing in a club is a great cardio work out and it definitely helps to have a cute guy with you the whole time to completely take your mind off the fact that your calves are burning and your feet are blistered.

I realized that It wasn't the end of the world that I couldn't drink buttery nipples or kamikazes with my favorite girl friends, because honestly water was exactly what I wanted al night to hydrate, and even though the sandwiches at Jimmy Johns smelled delicious, and I saw all my friends munching eagerly on Turkey Club subs or a BLT with extra B, I saw the bread and realized that if I decided to make the stupid mistake and cheat, I would not only irreparably fail my diet and my plan to change my life would be ruined, but the bread would make me depressed and tired, and that didn't seem appealing at all. Also, I had no money on me since my little 5 dollar bill that I put in my bra for safe keeping - all girls consider their bras the safest place for money, or at least most of them - and it disappeared. I Guess it isn't the safest place after all....

Anyway, today is day 15 and I need to make sure I lose 5 pounds by next wednesday to stay on track. I finally have money so I can buy groceries and do my yoga again, because I definitely missed it. I might end up buying a dvd though - still pondering that...

Anyway, that is the latest gossip from the Teenage Immigrant on the Road to Becoming a Skinny Bitch :)